So, I'm going to offer a disclaimer -- as if the title isn't enough of a disclaimer on it's own. This blog might contain subject matter that isn't suitable for all people, unless of course you like me, and like hearing "stuff" that is going on with me. This blog also might seem totally random, but I promise I have a point -- just hang with me for a bit.
I recently waved a casual goodbye to several of my "lady parts", well all but Sheila. I have named my remaining ovary, because I needed to blame someone for the bouts of human emotion that have taken over my life of late. I might have become a tad cranky with my dad at Christmas (but he is sooo bossy sometimes) -- I still love him, but holidays are hard, without hot flashes, and weight restrictions and night sweats, and tears (OMG, the tears). I did all of this during my 15 day break from school. Every single minute of my break, to be exact. Sheila isn't really playing by the rules. I feel certain she is suited up, but she hasn't really committed to playing the game. I NEED her to play. I need to not have a fit of laughter that turns into tears (during the Rose Bowl parade, mind you -- I cried at a float...yes, you heard me right).
I'm home sick, which I don't do well, and I'm listening to worship online (which rocks!) and organizing the 700 pages of syllabus and lecture notes. While I'm trying to make sense of the mounds of paper in front of me (I did the math, 200 students, 700 pages, a LOT of trees died), I'm reflecting on a difficult situation that one of my friends finds herself in with regards to faith. Ironically, I have found myself in a crisis of faith of late. I'm busy. Really busy. School is tough. Work is required to pay tuition. Life has its ups and downs, and faith waxes and wanes.
I question the decision I made to let Sheila hang around, in order to forgo HRT. I question the decision to do nursing school. I question decisions every day. I question God. I sometimes yell at him. He can handle it. I on the other hand, feel incredibly fragile these days and I'm not sure I can handle it. So I'm pondering this conversation regarding faith, and it hits me. I don't have to. I don't have to do any of "this" alone. I have family and friends that let me vent, or share my tears. I have people in my life that allow me to have down days, but love me way too much to let me stay there. I have the best friends a girl could ask for. I'm human. I'm far from perfect. I don't have this faith thing all figured out, but I'm trying really hard. And some days, it just doesn't click. BUT when it does, wow -- it is amazing.
Kinda like Sheila. I suspect, she's in shock. I suspect, she is just waiting to jump into the game and hit a home run. And if she doesn't, the worst thing that happens is things won't have gone according to my plan. And I'm okay with that. The reward will be that I will feel better. And I will give her the hormones she needs to not have to do her work alone, afterall, for 24 years, she had a partner in crime. She shared the work. She didn't have to walk alone. And neither do I.
