I had a call from a doctor yesterday. He was giving me the results of a recent scan because my PCP is on Maternity leave and everyone in the clinic is picking up her slack and communicating with patients about tests/results that have come in since her departure. (I'm fine, nothing major, just following up on a sketchy test result from several months ago, and the problem has resolved on its own.)
That call went something like this:
"Ms. Bentley, I'm doctor Mark Jansen with UAMS Family Medical Clinic. Blah, blah, blah. Someone in the clinic will be seeing you at your next follow-up appointment in March. Again, my name is Mark Jansen, J-A-N-S-E-N. If you need anything in the meantime, don't hesitate to call our office."
The fact that he said his name no less than 5 times, and spelled it the last time, perked my ears up a bit. I know a Mark Jansen from when I lived in southern Arkansas for a time. He was actually my physician during that time. He was also the senior partner at the clinic where my mom worked until she entered hospice. (I should add, she had an INCREDIBLE work ethic. She never missed a single day during 5 weeks of radiation and 6 months of chemo therapy. She would go in early and stay late to make up her hours.)
So, me and my perky ears started processing everything that just happened. I do a quick doctor search on the UAMS website which yielded zero results. I turn to my friend google, and find an article mentioning a Dr. Mark Jansen joining the staff/faculty at UAMS. He was in private practice in Arkadelphis for 30 years prior to coming here. I shoot him an email.
"Dr. Jansen, you just called me about an U/S I had yesterday. Are you the same Mark Jansen that was at Arkadelphia Medical Clinic? I'm Terri's daughter. sheri"
His response came back about an hour later. "Yes! The same one. I LOVED!!!! your mother. She was so gracious in all situations. I was just thinking about her the other day. I recently moved to Little Rock to take care of my 88 y/o mother in poor health (you understand) and am working at UAMS 60% teaching and 40% administration. Small state, huh? Mark"
I will admit, that after the week I've had, and the fact that my mother has been on my mind pretty much constantly since my last blog, that connection made me a little teary. Of all the doctors on this enourmous campus, 17-20 that work at FMC, not counting residents and fellows, he pulled my chart from a stack that needed follow-up attention. I think in some way, it was a sign that my mother is still very much looking out for me. Believe what you will, but I choose to believe she's still very much here.
Happy day before Friday, y'all.
~s
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Friday, January 24, 2014
01/24/14
Seven years ago, I kissed my best friend on the forehead as I was heading to bed. Before going to the guest room, I leaned close and whispered in her ear, "I love you, momma, now rest." She took my advice a few hours later and my life has never been the same.
Not a single day goes by when I don't think of her. Although some days, it's at the very end of a busy day when she creeps into my mind. Yesterday I was writing a note at work and instead of writing yesterday's date, I wrote her birthday. dd/mm/yy. It made me smile and shake my head all at the same time. I think she knew I needed her. I need her a lot lately.
She had a smile that could light up any room. She was quiet and reserved, but had an infectious laugh. She could scold you without raising her voice. She loved with the biggest heart imaginable. (I think I inherited that from her.) I've never really thought I looked much like her, until recently when I caught a glimpse of her in my bathroom mirror.
I wish she could see Caity and Kenzie as adults. I wish she could meet Sophia. I wish I could introduce her to some of my friends. I wish I could get a cherry limeade with her at Sonic. I wish I could hear her sing along to the radio. I guess I will just strive to live in a way that continues her legacy of love. You were a good one, momma. One of the best. I love you.
~s
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Be Present
Most of my mornings start out exactly the same. I wake up a few minutes before the alarm at 0545. I determine how many minutes I need to get ready so I can leave for work on time, because staying in my nice warm bed is WAY better than getting out of it at o'dark forty-five. Eventually, being a grown-up takes over, and I usually make it to work with time to spare.
At some point in the morning's routine, I check Facebook to see what I might have missed. Since I don't drink coffee, it's the equivalent of my morning wake-up. One day last week, that didn't go so well for me. The very first thing I paid attention to in my newsfeed, involved a friend whose mother-in-law is dying. His post was simple. "Morning report from Doc is she is going downhill. Pray for God to provide strength, comfort, and guidance for our family through these difficult days." Every single emotion I felt when my mom was in hospice hit me like a ton of bricks. My eyes filled with tears. I was completely powerless to stop them. I was caught off-guard, and my "awesome" leaked out from the corners of each eye.
The thing I have come to understand about grief is that it is a process. There is an ebb and flow. After the initial shock wears off, it cycles. I've also learned that grief about a particular event in life, isn't isolated from every other event that may come up. I am an emotional person by nature, which is odd to me since neither of my parents were/are particularly emotional. Being emotional can be quite overwhelming when you aren't prepared for it. I have spent the better part of the past few years in a state of flux. Life happens, and then when you're dealing with one thing, something else comes out of left field and kicks you when you're down.
I joke sometimes that there is a little black cloud following me around since September 2001. In reality, I know that isn't the case, although some days it certainly feels like it. I have to remind myself on those days when I can't see the positives in a certain situation, that every situation is working on who I will be tomorrow, or next year, or ten years down the road. Every tear, every joy, every heartache, every struggle, every celebration is preparing me for the future. How I choose to deal with those situations is building my character. I didn't just reach adulthood and stop growing. I am constantly being challenged and molded and shaped into the person I will be when I'm a grown up.
At some point in the morning's routine, I check Facebook to see what I might have missed. Since I don't drink coffee, it's the equivalent of my morning wake-up. One day last week, that didn't go so well for me. The very first thing I paid attention to in my newsfeed, involved a friend whose mother-in-law is dying. His post was simple. "Morning report from Doc is she is going downhill. Pray for God to provide strength, comfort, and guidance for our family through these difficult days." Every single emotion I felt when my mom was in hospice hit me like a ton of bricks. My eyes filled with tears. I was completely powerless to stop them. I was caught off-guard, and my "awesome" leaked out from the corners of each eye.
The thing I have come to understand about grief is that it is a process. There is an ebb and flow. After the initial shock wears off, it cycles. I've also learned that grief about a particular event in life, isn't isolated from every other event that may come up. I am an emotional person by nature, which is odd to me since neither of my parents were/are particularly emotional. Being emotional can be quite overwhelming when you aren't prepared for it. I have spent the better part of the past few years in a state of flux. Life happens, and then when you're dealing with one thing, something else comes out of left field and kicks you when you're down.
I joke sometimes that there is a little black cloud following me around since September 2001. In reality, I know that isn't the case, although some days it certainly feels like it. I have to remind myself on those days when I can't see the positives in a certain situation, that every situation is working on who I will be tomorrow, or next year, or ten years down the road. Every tear, every joy, every heartache, every struggle, every celebration is preparing me for the future. How I choose to deal with those situations is building my character. I didn't just reach adulthood and stop growing. I am constantly being challenged and molded and shaped into the person I will be when I'm a grown up.
For now, I find solace in that fact. I remind myself daily that I can't control my past or my future, only the way I act in the present. I am not done with grief, nor am I done with figuring out how to live the life I desire. I'm a work in progress, and I sometimes feel like I'm stumbling around in the dark. In the midst of awesome leakage mornings, and realizations about the way I want to be remembered 20 years from now, I'm learning valuable lessons about the fragile balance of life. Lessons about patience, trust, hope, love, and grace. I'm not perfect, but I'm trying to be better than I was yesterday.
~s
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Be Still...2014 version
Eight days into the new year, and I still haven't made a resolution. I don't plan to make a resolution. I rarely stick to them anyway. Besides, it's exhausting to feel like I've failed before I've even started. That doesn't mean I didn't set goals. I am constantly setting goals for myself, in order to push myself to be the very best version of me. One of my goals was to read more books -- any kind of book.
I can read for knowledge or read for pleasure. It doesn't matter if the reason I read is to escape from reality for a bit, or to learn a little bit more about me. So last night, I picked up a book. I thought, "I'll give it one chapter. If it doesn't grab me, I will pick up a different book." It grabbed me. It isn't a book I would normally read. It's much more "christian" than I normally read. Don't get me wrong, I've taken part in several small group studies. I own 10 different Bibles, including my well-worn and tattered study Bible.
One of my goals for this year involves being still. That is not to be confused with wearing pajamas all day and laying around watching tv. Being still, at least for me, involves actively listening to my thoughts. It's very difficult to do, if you've never tried it. Sometimes I don't like where my mind takes me. Sometimes, I don't like what my thoughts say to and about me. I was fortunate because my book selection has a study component in the back. So as I was reading, I would peruse the notes in the back, just to see what kinds of questions or comments the author felt were necessary to explore deeper.
There, in the back of the book, in print -- a resource for being still. I haven't tried it yet, but I plan to do just that. It likely will take several attempts, because the first two questions might take a while for me to get past. (Ironically, the author anticipated as much.) If you have the same goal, or need the same goal, you're welcome to join me.
Exercise:
Write your answers to the following questions:
1.) What is frustrating me right now?
2.) What am I angry about?
No, don't go to the next question, go back. Listen. Reflect. Be honest. Give yourself time.
3.) What am I scared of?
4.) What am I dreading?
5.) What makes me anxious?
6.) What concerns me?
7.) What is stressing me right now, the smallest thing that I don't want to write down because it seems dumb that it is actually stressing me?
8.) What am I looking forward to?
9.) Today, tomorrow, this year?
It's a solo exercise, but there is an added component of community if you're interested in that sort of thing. You can email me at sheri underscore bentley 1027 at yahoo dot com for that piece of the puzzle. May 2014 be your best year ever.
I can read for knowledge or read for pleasure. It doesn't matter if the reason I read is to escape from reality for a bit, or to learn a little bit more about me. So last night, I picked up a book. I thought, "I'll give it one chapter. If it doesn't grab me, I will pick up a different book." It grabbed me. It isn't a book I would normally read. It's much more "christian" than I normally read. Don't get me wrong, I've taken part in several small group studies. I own 10 different Bibles, including my well-worn and tattered study Bible.
One of my goals for this year involves being still. That is not to be confused with wearing pajamas all day and laying around watching tv. Being still, at least for me, involves actively listening to my thoughts. It's very difficult to do, if you've never tried it. Sometimes I don't like where my mind takes me. Sometimes, I don't like what my thoughts say to and about me. I was fortunate because my book selection has a study component in the back. So as I was reading, I would peruse the notes in the back, just to see what kinds of questions or comments the author felt were necessary to explore deeper.
There, in the back of the book, in print -- a resource for being still. I haven't tried it yet, but I plan to do just that. It likely will take several attempts, because the first two questions might take a while for me to get past. (Ironically, the author anticipated as much.) If you have the same goal, or need the same goal, you're welcome to join me.
Exercise:
Write your answers to the following questions:
1.) What is frustrating me right now?
2.) What am I angry about?
No, don't go to the next question, go back. Listen. Reflect. Be honest. Give yourself time.
3.) What am I scared of?
4.) What am I dreading?
5.) What makes me anxious?
6.) What concerns me?
7.) What is stressing me right now, the smallest thing that I don't want to write down because it seems dumb that it is actually stressing me?
8.) What am I looking forward to?
9.) Today, tomorrow, this year?
It's a solo exercise, but there is an added component of community if you're interested in that sort of thing. You can email me at sheri underscore bentley 1027 at yahoo dot com for that piece of the puzzle. May 2014 be your best year ever.
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