I'm tired. I have a long list of things on the docket for this week. I'm feeling quite unorganized and not at all churchy. (Thank goodness on that one.) I realize drinking Mtn Dew a few hours before bed is a recipe for disaster in the sleep department. So I'm sitting here, my mind is racing. I'm planning worship in my head for several weeks out when it hits me. I hate church. I hate the rules of church. I hate that people get so caught up in their ideas about church, and in creating rules for how church should be done that they create boundaries and walls that exclude entire segments of our population. While yes, technically we are a church at canvascommunity, I hope we never function as one. Before you go further in this little rambing girls thoughts, read this blog:
http://blog.sojo.net/2011/06/24/wanted-an-uncool-church-of-distractions/
So back to me hating church. I hate what we "Christians" have made church. When I think of the church of Paul's day, I think of folks gathering with their friends in their homes. I think of those same folks sharing a meal and stories of hardwork and perseverance. I think of a stranger meandering through town, and ending up in the home on the street that "left a light on" for them. I think of that stranger moving quickly out of the "stranger" category and into the category of "friend".
Today, that might look like a home group. An accountability group. A group of people attending Monday night worship, and then going to dinner together after. A praise team laughing during the creative process of learning new music for worship. The interaction of the ministry team. I have a friend who says she doesn't attend church. She takes part in a faith community. I think she shares my feelings about church. You see where I'm going?
It takes a conscious effort to maintain any type of community. Even more in a community with diverse personalities and leadership styles. One person can literally destroy a community with attitude or unkind words. "It only takes a spark..." to create a safe haven, and that same spark can burn it to the ground. The type of "church" described in the above linked blog is what I signed up for when I decided I wanted to be involved in church. I have been "in" church my entire life. It wasn't always a conscious decision. Now it is something I mostly look forward to. Mostly.
There are still "real people" in church with their ideas of how things should work and strong personalities to match. Real people with real flaws. I'm one of those people. I'm not perfect. I'm willing to admit that I fall WAY short of the glory of God more often than not. I make bad choices. I'm moody at times. I make really bad choices. (Monday night I had the biggest piece of birthday cake. A corner piece. I ate it in front of my trainer. He made me work it off the next morning. Bad choice #5,985.) There are days when I fall flat on my face. There all also days when I'm "right on the mark". Today I'm somewhere in the middle.
I don't like when people are mad at me. I'm a dumb junior high girl in that respect. I get my feelings hurt easily. People are inherently good. People have great intentions, for the most part. I realize that part of being in an "uncool" church means I might have something I say or do taken out of context. People might even question my motives. This next statement isn't going to make sense to most people who know me well. I get accused (often) of being cold and unapproachable. I'm neither of these things.
In all honesty, I'm quite an introvert. An introvert who happened to study vocal performance. An introvert who still get nervous when she sings. I also help lead worship. I'm always "on" when I'm doing my "job" in the church. I'm on as soon as I set foot in the door. I know that when people watch me they see me as the lead singer, or the girl who does harmony when Craig takes the lead. I'm also the girl who has on her mind the next thing to be accomplished. That next thing happens immediately after worship. I have to make a conscious decision to go talk to people. Not because I'm unapproachable, but because it means I have to put aside my to do list and my selfish nature and do something outside of my comfort zone.
I'm uncool. I get in a rut. I stick to what is safe and comfortable. I'm working on it. Monday night one of our littlest members wandered over to the stage. If there had been drumsticks in his sight, he would have gone straight for them. I could have allowed that innocent curiosity to derail me. I didn't. Instead I invited him to join me. I convinced him to let me hold the microphone. I held him and talked to him. And if he had been a tad less squirmy he would have been on my hip while we sang the final song. I hope someday soon we can all say "I'm un-cool, distractions don't bother me, this place feels like home, and it suits me just fine.". Care to join me in that sentiment?
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