It's Aug 1, 2012. It's been the third hottest summer on record since they started keeping records. It's CFA (eat more chikin') appreciation day. I'm eating chicken (from the cafeteria at UAMS) and having a conversation about all the hoopla surrounding CFA. Another coworker walks in, hearing only a snippet of our lengthy conversation, and politely (with head shaking and gumption) says, "I'm just standing on the promises of God. Ain't never seen no gay man that didn't choose the path of sin.".
My first thought was to quietly exit the room without confrontation, because I do not believe being gay is a matter of free will. I also don't think you can "pray the gay away" because I have a friend, Josh, who prayed and cried for years, begging God to just make him "normal". I know how hard his personal struggle was, and the "cost" of finally accepting himself as a gay man.
My second thought was, "I wonder if she knows just how far God's promises stretch.". From my own personal experience and lessons I've been taught in and through people of faith, it's much farther than palm-to-palm. It's much larger than the ark built by Noah. It's even bigger than a rainbow, and if you've ever tried to find the pot of gold at the end, you know that's pretty big.
I also know the depths of human love. Just when I think I can't possibly love anymore than I already do, I am surprised that I really can love more. Love isn't even the right word. It's so overused in our society. We use the same word for our feelings about our favorite ice cream, a new pair of shoes, a haircut, for a newborn baby placed in our arms, and that special someone who makes us want to be the very best version of ourselves.
I'm not the sharpest crayon, but I believe a God who is capable of creating the earth, the oceans, and the animals of the land, air, and sea -- and is also capable of allowing His very creation to crucify a man on a cross to prove his love, is also capable of a love beyond understanding. A truly unconditional love. A love we humans are only capable of if we dare put ourselves last in every single relationship.
So then I started thinking about the various promises given to us by God. I look to Jeremiah 29: 11, Romans 8: 37-39, Matthew 11: 28-29, Isaiah 40: 29-31, John 15: 27. I believe in the God of the Old and New Testaments. I believe in a God who is capable of loving all of his creation. I also believe in a God that is WAY bigger than the teeny tiny box that creation places around him.
I agree. I too, will stand on the promises -- the promises of grace, hope, mercy and love.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Saturday, May 12, 2012
For my girls...
Mother's Day is always bittersweet. It is the one day each year where I tend to be most conflicted. I miss my mom every day, but a holiday dedicated to mom's? What about all the women who are very much a "mom" to someone(s), but have no children of their own? Or the women who had to deal with the death of a child? Or the women who have tried everything, including standing on their heads, in order to try to have children? Or the women who gave birth, but aren't really much of a mother at all? Or the girls who don't have their mom in their life for whatever reason, but through no fault of their own? You see where I'm going? (The same applies to dads, but I'm not one of those even though I know some pretty phenomenal fathers.)
In an effort to not be quite so absorbed with my "motherlessness", I decided to do something different. I chose to write a letter to my daughters, and I decided to do it as a blog instead of a card that will be tucked away in some drawer. I do this for two reasons. First, I want my girls to know that while I am THE mom, there are others who have had a profound impact on who they are. Secondly, I want to keep a copy for me, and I lose paper. If I kept every piece of paper that had an impact on me, we'd be watching an episode of hoarders, folks. So here goes...
*****************************************
A letter for Caitlin (aka: CaityB, b-bess, Caitydid, "sister") and MacKenzie (aka: Kenzabug, Kenz, Mack, kenzanoodle):
I know that life hasn't always been easy. In fact, it sometimes seems like it's been an uphill battle. I think that is just part of having really young parents. Being in a family where you move often, can't have been easy either.
As your mom, it wasn't ever easy for me to see your heartache when we had the dreaded "family talk" to discuss a major life-changing event. Sometimes those talks resulted in a new address and saying goodbye to friends. (Other times, it was to decide to stay right where we were. That one time, it involved both at the same time.) We have had LOTS of those conversations over the years, but I am so proud of the young women you have become as a result.
You have always influenced the decisions that were made. As your parents, we tried to think of the decision that was best in the long run. Sometimes we failed, but mostly we expanded the walls of our home and as a result the size of our family.
You are both incredibly beautiful and sweet, often sarcastic versions of every "mother" you've had in your life. I may be the woman who gave birth to you, but it truly takes a village to raise strong, independent, thoughtful, smart, and funny girls in this crazy world. (In case you haven't kept track, I did the math because I'm a big nerd. 10 churches, 8 youth groups, and 77 youth "moms" -- and there's no way to keep up with all the big brothers and sisters that came as a result. Trust me, it's a LOT!)
You have endured more than your fair share of heartbreak, and while you have allowed yourselves to move past the tears, the heartache makes you somewhat more equipped to deal with the obstacles that come your way. You learn what you're made of in those moments. You're both pretty resilient and flexible. You make my heart sing with your wisdom and wit. I speak for a lot of people, family and friends (and friends who became family), when I say you are both pretty phenomenal in the daughter department.
Caitlin: College is fun. Boys are trouble. (There are very few exceptions, so find the one who makes you smile.) Make good grades. Set your alarm. Turn your stereo up loud enough to have a dance party, but not so loud as to disturb your neighbors. Eat breakfast. Play. Enjoy being young, there's plenty of time to grow up. Call your parents. Plan a Skype date with Ali - she and Emmy are going to miss you as much as Daddy and I do. Come home every now and then. Be safe. Most of all, have a good time and make yourself proud, the people who love you will follow suit.
MacKenzie: Your senior year is all about memories, so have fun. Boys are trouble. (There are very few exceptions to that rule.) Smile, it's nice to see you do that. Make good grades. Sing at the top of your lungs. Be yourself, no one else can do it for you. Read a book. Call and check in. Plan a Skype date with Jake and daddy, they're going to miss you a lot. Eat breakfast. Play, you're only 17 once. Audition for everything. Break a leg. Start on your college applications. Follow your dreams, don't allow others to dictate them for you. Have fun, but make smart choices.
As we move into this next chapter of life, may you know that you are forever changed by the amazing people who have called us family, either by choice or by chance. Not a day goes by, that I don't thank God for giving me the opportunity to be your mom. I may not always be perfect, but I have great admiration and love bigger than my heart can hold for each of you. I count myself to be the lucky one. "You're my favorite, but don't tell your sister!". I love you both equally, and separately. Thank you for making Mother's Day worthy of the celebration.
Momma
(Mother's Day 2012)
In an effort to not be quite so absorbed with my "motherlessness", I decided to do something different. I chose to write a letter to my daughters, and I decided to do it as a blog instead of a card that will be tucked away in some drawer. I do this for two reasons. First, I want my girls to know that while I am THE mom, there are others who have had a profound impact on who they are. Secondly, I want to keep a copy for me, and I lose paper. If I kept every piece of paper that had an impact on me, we'd be watching an episode of hoarders, folks. So here goes...
*****************************************
A letter for Caitlin (aka: CaityB, b-bess, Caitydid, "sister") and MacKenzie (aka: Kenzabug, Kenz, Mack, kenzanoodle):
I know that life hasn't always been easy. In fact, it sometimes seems like it's been an uphill battle. I think that is just part of having really young parents. Being in a family where you move often, can't have been easy either.
As your mom, it wasn't ever easy for me to see your heartache when we had the dreaded "family talk" to discuss a major life-changing event. Sometimes those talks resulted in a new address and saying goodbye to friends. (Other times, it was to decide to stay right where we were. That one time, it involved both at the same time.) We have had LOTS of those conversations over the years, but I am so proud of the young women you have become as a result.
You have always influenced the decisions that were made. As your parents, we tried to think of the decision that was best in the long run. Sometimes we failed, but mostly we expanded the walls of our home and as a result the size of our family.
You are both incredibly beautiful and sweet, often sarcastic versions of every "mother" you've had in your life. I may be the woman who gave birth to you, but it truly takes a village to raise strong, independent, thoughtful, smart, and funny girls in this crazy world. (In case you haven't kept track, I did the math because I'm a big nerd. 10 churches, 8 youth groups, and 77 youth "moms" -- and there's no way to keep up with all the big brothers and sisters that came as a result. Trust me, it's a LOT!)
You have endured more than your fair share of heartbreak, and while you have allowed yourselves to move past the tears, the heartache makes you somewhat more equipped to deal with the obstacles that come your way. You learn what you're made of in those moments. You're both pretty resilient and flexible. You make my heart sing with your wisdom and wit. I speak for a lot of people, family and friends (and friends who became family), when I say you are both pretty phenomenal in the daughter department.
Caitlin: College is fun. Boys are trouble. (There are very few exceptions, so find the one who makes you smile.) Make good grades. Set your alarm. Turn your stereo up loud enough to have a dance party, but not so loud as to disturb your neighbors. Eat breakfast. Play. Enjoy being young, there's plenty of time to grow up. Call your parents. Plan a Skype date with Ali - she and Emmy are going to miss you as much as Daddy and I do. Come home every now and then. Be safe. Most of all, have a good time and make yourself proud, the people who love you will follow suit.
MacKenzie: Your senior year is all about memories, so have fun. Boys are trouble. (There are very few exceptions to that rule.) Smile, it's nice to see you do that. Make good grades. Sing at the top of your lungs. Be yourself, no one else can do it for you. Read a book. Call and check in. Plan a Skype date with Jake and daddy, they're going to miss you a lot. Eat breakfast. Play, you're only 17 once. Audition for everything. Break a leg. Start on your college applications. Follow your dreams, don't allow others to dictate them for you. Have fun, but make smart choices.
As we move into this next chapter of life, may you know that you are forever changed by the amazing people who have called us family, either by choice or by chance. Not a day goes by, that I don't thank God for giving me the opportunity to be your mom. I may not always be perfect, but I have great admiration and love bigger than my heart can hold for each of you. I count myself to be the lucky one. "You're my favorite, but don't tell your sister!". I love you both equally, and separately. Thank you for making Mother's Day worthy of the celebration.
Momma
(Mother's Day 2012)
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Ch-ch-changes
The cat is out of the proverbial bag, family has been told, as well as our closest friends (our church family was the first to know outside of our household, btw) and the pets have no idea how rocked their worlds are going to be. I can already see it in my head.
Kenzie comes home from school, and is greeted at the door by Sobe and Holly. Sobe runs over to the place the enormous doggy bed used to live only to find there is a much smaller version in its place. Holly is searching frantically for the big white dog, whose tail she loves to chase while his harness is being fastened for the afternoon walk. Only one problem...the enormous doggy bed and the big white dog are living with JB in Kansas City.
It's a lot of change. But change is good, right? JB is chasing his big dreams into unlikely places as he begins his new job as Associate Minister of Good Shepherd UMC in KCMO. I'm chasing mine to a BSN here in Little Rock. CaityB is moving off to attend college in Conway, before eventually making a more permanent move to "The City of Angels". Kenzie is finishing her senior year of high school and then chasing her dreams to a college in Missouri, which ironically she will have established residency for in-state tuition while living in Arkansas. Are you confused yet?
Well, that makes 8 of us. Or maybe even more. I don't know what this next chapter looks like, but I'm ready to see where it leads and learn the lessons along the way. And with today's technology, we can FaceTime, Skype, text and/or call to keep in touch And I'm sure we will put some mileage on vehicles for visits.
Ch-ch-changes are a necessary part of life. I look forward to the journey. Now, where did I put my keys?
Kenzie comes home from school, and is greeted at the door by Sobe and Holly. Sobe runs over to the place the enormous doggy bed used to live only to find there is a much smaller version in its place. Holly is searching frantically for the big white dog, whose tail she loves to chase while his harness is being fastened for the afternoon walk. Only one problem...the enormous doggy bed and the big white dog are living with JB in Kansas City.
It's a lot of change. But change is good, right? JB is chasing his big dreams into unlikely places as he begins his new job as Associate Minister of Good Shepherd UMC in KCMO. I'm chasing mine to a BSN here in Little Rock. CaityB is moving off to attend college in Conway, before eventually making a more permanent move to "The City of Angels". Kenzie is finishing her senior year of high school and then chasing her dreams to a college in Missouri, which ironically she will have established residency for in-state tuition while living in Arkansas. Are you confused yet?
Well, that makes 8 of us. Or maybe even more. I don't know what this next chapter looks like, but I'm ready to see where it leads and learn the lessons along the way. And with today's technology, we can FaceTime, Skype, text and/or call to keep in touch And I'm sure we will put some mileage on vehicles for visits.
Ch-ch-changes are a necessary part of life. I look forward to the journey. Now, where did I put my keys?
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